Self-Doubt

Somehow, even though I was dreading writing Chapter 20 because I thought it was going to be dull, I managed to write chapters 21 and 22. It actually ended up being fairly interesting stuff.

So there I was again, staring at the beginning of chapter 23 and doubting myself – which is stupid and irritating because all day I’ve been eager to sit and write it. I had a fabulous idea yesterday while driving out to the boarding stable and have been ruminating on it ever since. And yet, I’m staring at a blank page with no idea how to start it because, of course, the idea I had was the exciting part in the middle.

I do this a lot. I have this really great idea for an exciting scene but I have no idea how to get in or out of it. The solution is to just write the scene and then work my way forward and backward to complete it. It’s weird, but it works.

Luckily, I also have the material from the original draft of these novels (from back when it was one book), so now I have two half-finished chapters. Not bad for a couple hours’ work, but one of these days I hope I’ll be able to approach a chapter with confidence rather than trepidation. After all, that lack of confidence makes no sense and has absolutely no basis in reality.

I always have another good idea. I should remember that tomorrow when I sit down to write.

Procrastination and the Temple at Delphi

Where research is concerned, the prevailing advice to writers is to get the story down and then go back and fill in the details. I’ve never been good at that, simply because my brain hits a roadblock and refuses to go forward. Also, quite often I need to know how far apart places are (I use real maps on Google Earth) so that I know how far my characters are going and how long it will take them when riding their horses or walking.

This week’s research time suck was the Oracle at Delphi because for some reason I decided in a prior novel that somebody had recreated the temple to Apollo, and then for purposes of tying off storylines, decided that Davis and Angie needed to go there.

So instead of writing Chapter 20 like I was supposed to yesterday, I wasted hours researching the layout of the temple. I knew it was about 78 ft wide and 197 ft long (23.82 m x 60.32 m to be exact) and I was trying to figure out what the diameter of the columns is and how far apart they were spaced. All this was because I couldn’t find the info out directly, but the sources I found said the Greeks considered the perfect spacing of columns to be 2.25 times the width of the columns. I am terrible at math and abysmal at algebra, so I don’t know why I even attempted it.

I ended up ranting about how difficult this was, and my husband and older son trying to help with the math but also trying to convince me to just pick a height and be done with it. I do admit to being something of a perfectionist so that was hard to let go of. After educating them and my daughter on how the Greeks measured things, all I could say was, “Those Greek people!” To which my daughter replied, “There was nothing else to do, so they spent all their time doing math.”

It made me laugh and I realized how ridiculous I was being and that a close estimation was, in fact, good enough because only about 6 of the columns are still standing in the temple and it has no roof. And honestly, if anybody writes to tell me, “Hey, your info on the Temple of Apollo at Delphi is all wrong” then I will immediately rope them into giving me the correct information and update the book online. Having the ability to fix things on the fly is one big plus of being an indy author.

After 2 or 3 hours of research and 15-30 minutes ranting to my family (which they are well accustomed to at this point), I wrote three sentences describing the temple.

THREE.

It took me three hours to write three sentences, and I can usually write a chapter in that amount of time.

So was it really about wanting to get it right, being a perfectionist, or something else?

As it so happens, I was listening to the “Happier in Hollywood” podcast that day and they talked about procrastination being the product of fear rather than lack of discipline/focus. I knew kind of what needed to happen in this chapter but I guess I was afraid of not getting it right. Or more truly, sitting in front of my laptop with nothing to say.

I went for a walk the next day, which usually stimulates my creative juices, and wrote a conversation for the chapter on my phone. Before bed last night I had another brief convo idea, and also wrote that down. This morning I woke up thinking, “What if Davis decides/threatens to destroy the thing?”

The cure for anxiety is action, and today I took action by transcribing my notes from my phone into my Word doc. I also happily noted that I’d already written 5 pages of material and, considering that I like my chapters to be at least 7 pages, probably didn’t have to write that much more. I did get sidetracked trying to figure out how long it takes to hike up there but after 5 minutes reminded myself that it doesn’t matter because this temple is not in Greece.

So I got to work and wonder of wonders, it just flowed. In fact, the scene will continue in Chapter 21, which I’ll work on tomorrow.

 

 

Midweek Update

I think I mentioned that I started writing Chosen: Book Four of the Druid Chronicles (hereafter referred to as either DC4) in January and primarily quit because of anxiety/depression/exhaustion, but the other reason was that I really wanted to write it from both Davis and Angie’s perspectives. However, I was concerned that it would be confusing to read even though each entire chapter would be from one person’s viewpoint. Most of the time that’s fine, but when I read Allegiant by Virginia Roth, I got confused as to whether it was Tris or Four talking – my fault and not hers because when I read I tend to skip over titles and dive into the next chapter.

I couldn’t decide what to do so I did what comes naturally – procrastinating! I also discussed it with a good pal who is also a beta reader and DC superfan, and she thought it would be fine. But I still had to think over it some more. The back of my mind is kind of like a crockpot, always something cooking in there.

I decided to go for it. The worst thing that can happen is that I have to rewrite half the book back to Davis’ perspective or delete a bunch of chapters entirely. The best thing that can happen is that you get a better view of some of the events I have planned for my hapless hero. After all, unconscious and/or sleeping people aren’t very good storytellers.

I already had something like 8 or 10 chapters written, so I wrote three brand new chapters, 2 – 4, from Angie’s point of view (POV), kept chapters 5 and 6 pretty much the same, and reworked 7 and 8 from Davis’ POV to hers. Half of 8 was already written, so I changed that to Angie’s POV and added something I hadn’t planned but what seemed like a good idea. I was going to move on but the story seemed abrupt and some stuff had been unaddressed, so I’m adding another chapter between 8 and what was 9, so now 9 is 10. I try to write chronologically as much as possible, but when I get good ideas (or good suggestions or critiques from others) I like to try and use them.

I wanted to alternate their viewpoints but that’s already blown out of the water so I’m just going to let the story flow from whichever character tells it to me best. I’ve written other books and have other works in progress, but none of my other characters are as wild and unpredictable as these druids. Davis and Angie are willful and headstrong, so I just let them do whatever they want. It’s always more interesting than whatever I had in mind, anyway.

On to chapter 9!

So fed up

This week’s writing had been repeatedly interrupted and postponed. Some of it has been my family and I worked an extra day this week, but most of it has been my own rampant disorganization and inability to focus. Honestly, the only way I finished the other three novels was by almost totally abandoning cooking and cleaning. So you can imagine what my house looks like.

I started writing Chosen (Druid Chronicles book 4) this past January but was derailed by needing to find a job and frankly, several months of anxiety and depression. Might write a blog post on that later, but for now I’m mostly over it.

I set Labor Day as my goal date to start writing again and it went swimmingly that first week. As the saying goes, something that can be done at any time is often done at no time, so I scheduled my writing sessions from noon until 4 on weekdays.

I was JUICED with creativity and excitement. I would prefer to write daily because I think that staying in the habit of sitting with my laptop makes it easier to dive into those still, deep waters where the magic happens, but I work as a private duty nurse on weekends – 16 hours on Saturday and 8 hours on Sunday, so that’s not feasible right now. Fortunately, I have Monday through Friday to get some writing done. Unfortunately, I also have all those other things to get done: grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, and laundry. My house is also super cluttered, so decluttering is also a priority. BTW, I am a feminist and think household chores should be shared as equitably as possible. However, my husband is currently paying all the bills (and usually working 60 hours a week), allowing me the free time to write and play with horses, so I think it’s only fair that I take on the lion’s share of the housework.

Sept. 11th was my granddaughter’s birthday so the day was spent cleaning and decorating. After that. Another nurse works weekdays for this client and her family experienced a terrible tragedy during my second “writing week,” so I worked four extra days between weeks 2 and 3. I really like my client, and it was my choice to do so. Then it was my older son’s birthday, so more cleaning for company because of course, the kitchen was a wreck again. This past week was just a clusterf*ck and so far I’ve only been able to write for four hours on Wednesday. Granted, my husband wanted me to play video games with him on Tuesday, but for the most part, I’ve been chasing my tail with trying to get the daily duties done – and failing miserably, might I add.

Shit happens and shit is going to happen. While I’ve become quite a bit more organized, I’ve come to the realization that I need to be uber-organized or I’m going to feel like I’m constantly drowning. Granted I’ve put a lot on my own plate, but apparently, I like it that way.

I’ve heard that every minute spent planning saves 10 minutes in execution. Since cooking and grocery shopping is my biggest stumbling block right now, I’m going to focus on that first. Planning and precooking haven’t worked out well in the past because by the end of the week I don’t want to eat what I’ve already prepared. To combat that problem, I’ve compiled a list of family favorites (i.e., my favorites) so that no matter what the meal, I’ll be happy to eat it.

My other major stumbling block involves those times when I know I need to do something so the rest of the week goes more smoothly, but I just can’t make myself do it. I chalk that up to being a “Rubin Rebel” (as I like to call it). If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go to https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com/ and take the Four Tendencies quiz. The Rebel tendency is the rarest and is characterized by difficulty meeting both inner and outer expectations. So nobody can make me do anything, not even me.

Yeah. It sucks a little bit.

However, the Rebel’s strength is that we can do whatever we want to do, and we are motivated by identity. Thus, I think of myself as a novelist and I want to write, so I have successfully written and self-published novels. So the way to get around not wanting to go grocery shopping or do meal prepping is to remind myself that I want to write and can’t do that unless I’m organized and fed.

Here’s hoping the plan works. *fingers crossed*

Zombies, Run! 5K Trainer

I’ve been meaning to start running again for about a year now, and while the C25K app is a wonderful training app, I needed a little more encouragement.

I downloaded the Zombies, Run! app several weeks ago and used it for the first time today. Without giving away too many spoilers, here are my thoughts on my first run.

First off, it’s walking and running because, duh, it’s a trainer. Maybe I wasn’t paying attention, or maybe they didn’t give instructions, but I was initially confused on exactly when I was supposed to be doing what – except for the first run segment when they tell you to run for your life. I’m still not sure but settled on running during the silent parts and walking when the dramatization continues.

Note: My music drowned out the dramatization segments so I had to keep pausing it manually. I need to to set the music app to pause or quieten for other apps.On to the story. I found myself in a helicopter going to Abel Township. It sounded like an island of sanity (or at least safety) in the middle of the zombie apocalypse, and a nice British lady explains that they need “Runners” to do missions and bring back supplies.

Some asshole fires a rocket at our helicopter, upon which Nice British Lady sounds mildly alarmed. Must be that British stiff upper lip. As our wounded bird plummets to the ground, I can’t believe she isn’t screaming right now? I’d be screaming if I could fucking breathe. You want me to what??? Oh, hell, no, lady. Parachuting from a falling helicopter is like jumping into a food processor. I’ll take my chances in here.

7:01 PM
Nice British Lady didn’t make it. But I did! Yay me! As I got on my feet, a helpful British gent contacted me on the radio telling me to RUN!

7:07 PM
As I enjoyed a breather from the run, some egghead gets on the radio and vaguebooks about some file that may or may not be the salvation of the human race, but I’d better run to avoid the zombies on the way to the site. Oh, and no supplies = no entry? Are they freaking serious? Like I needed more motivation than not wanting to be fast food for a zombie. Or food that’s supposed to be fast but isn’t because you’re stuck in the drive-thru waiting for it still.

7:15 PM
Right. Get the important info to the township. Just call me Mazer Rackham.

7:20 PM
Oh shit oh shit Oh shit I can’t BREATHE please tell me I’m safe so I can stop.

7:22 PM
Oh, thank goodness. Am I getting a blister on the ball of my foot? I know it’s been a couple of years since I ran on the regular (okay longer than that), but these are Altras I’m wearing. They make me look like Ronald McDonald going through a fabulous phase.

7:25 PM
Oh, thank the gods that ever were, I made it. What’s that? Did I bring any food?!? Yeah, I did. It’s back there in the helicopter wreckage. Have fun getting it.

Super fun, ya? BTW, running isn’t required. Slow walking alternated with fast walking is perfectly acceptable. Just watch out for the Zoms!

In Appreciation of Earth Druids

Last week I developed a new appreciation for earth elementalists.

I was digging in a pile of dirt, loading it in a wheelbarrow, and dumping it in my horse’s stall. I get a little over-enthusiastic when cleaning his stall, and as a result, have dug out a lot of the dirt floor along with the poop and pine shavings.

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Peregrine, maker of large poops

We’ve also had some heavy rains in the past couple of weeks, and while the barn is nice and dry during a rainstorm, the farm is on low-lying land. Groundwater has been coming up into the stalls, creating a good-sized puddle in the crater I’ve dug in the middle of Peregrine’s stall.

Wet conditions tend to weaken a horse’s hooves, and thoroughbreds typically have crappy hooves anyway, so he needs a dry stall. Thus, I had to do something about the puddle. The floor was also quite uneven so that needed to be addressed as well. Which brings me to my adventures in dirt.

I don’t know if you know this, but dirt is heavy. Like, really heavy. I imagine I did know it at one point in time, as I’ve done some gardening in the past, but over the past several years I’ve neglected the garden in favor of writing books. I’ve also never pushed a load of dirt around in a wheelbarrow that I can recall. I’ve transported horse poop many many times and it can get weighty, but it still has nothing on dirt.

Calling our garden neglected is something of an understatement. Before my husband cleaned up the front yard last summer, my daughter used to give her friends directions by saying “It’s the house that looks like it’s losing a game of Jumanji” and they found it every time, no problem. But I digress.

As you can imagine, it’s been quite a while since I’ve even looked at a shovel, much less used one. Each shovelful felt like about 5 lbs, but I didn’t count shovelfuls. According to DirtConnections.com, one cubic foot of dirt weighs about 40 lbs, depending on the type, density, dampness, etc., but I’m just going to go with 40 lbs because I’m already in over my head involving math in this post.

This dirt pile was a lot bigger before I attacked it.

The wheelbarrow I used can hold 10 cubic feet, but I only filled it up about a third because I wouldn’t have been able to lift it if there was more. So we’ll call it 3 cubic feet, weighing 120 lbs per load. Which, coincidentally, is how much I weigh. So basically it’s like I was pushing myself in the wheelbarrow. Which probably would have been more fun than pushing dirt.

Not much in the wheelbarrow.

On Monday I moved 3 loads of dirt, about 360 lbs. On Tues and Wed moved 4 loads of dirt, about 480 lbs each. Grand total: 1,320 lbs. Thank goodness for not-so-modern technology.

Boots the barn kitty, inspecting my work.

While I was digging I started thinking about earth druids and how much elemental magic they’d have had to exert to move all that dirt. Air, fire, and spirit (electricity) are essentially weightless, so those elementalists are exerting more willpower in controlling their elements than lifting or moving them. Imagine how much focus it takes to move air, an element you cannot see. Water druids are the only other elementalists to manipulate really heavy stuff, but most of them only work with relatively small amounts of water, like a couple of gallons. So even though water is heavier than dirt – 62 lbs per cubic foot vs. 40 lbs of dirt – earth druids are moving vastly greater amounts and so are doing more work.

Going with the theory that all druids have approximately the same size Well that contains their magic and that they all have about the same size “channel” through which they draw magic from the gods, how are earth elementalists able to do so much on such a large scale? How do they dig huge pits or raise thick walls? How do they tunnel through the ground? How do they create earthquakes?

It doesn’t make sense. Logically speaking, like a water druid who can only manipulate a few gallons, an earth druid shouldn’t be able to move more than a few cubic feet. Yes, I know we’re talking about a fantasy world with magic, but bear with me.

It made me wonder how an earth druids can move so much more of their element than the rest. Then I remembered when one experienced druid was teaching an inexperienced druid to earthmove, telling him:

“Feel the mother supporting you. Danu is the goddess of fertility, growth, and abundance. Permit her to help you grow and develop your elemental ability. She is the goddess of inspiration, intellect, and wisdom. Listen to her teaching and meditate on it. Allow your consciousness to flow into her, and let hers flow into you.”

But more importantly:

“[W]hen you engage with the Earth Mother, communicate your feelings of respect, of amity, of camaraderie. Let your needs be known. Instead of demanding assistance, simply… ask for help.”

The answer becomes obvious: earth druids are not doing all that earthmoving on their own. They have help from the earth mother herself. Whether she is worshipped as Gaia, Danu, Freya/Frigg, Terra/Tellus Mater, or an earth goddess from some other hearth culture, the earth is her spiritual embodiment.

Danu

Statue of Danu. Photo from John Beckett’s blog “Under the Ancient Oaks

This is why earth elementalists spend more time in meditation than their counterparts who wield air, fire, spirit, or water. Communing with the earth mother on a regular basis provides the deep connection that is necessary for an earth druid to call upon her, ask for help, and receive aid. Through that bond, these druids are able to move vast amounts of earth and even to shake the ground underfoot.

Now that my horse is taken care of, I think I’ll go do some earthmoving in my own garden. I’ve neglected it long enough.

 

 

 

 

 

Finished!

I am happy to announce that I have finished the final edit of my latest novel, titled… *drum roll*  Druid, Book Three of the Druid Chronicles.

I am gathering all the info my graphic designer needs to work on the cover and will be sending the project form to her shortly.

The next step is uploading to CreateSpace to make sure the layout is okay and making a temp cover so I can order proof copies and go over it one more time while the fabulous Leah Kaye works on the cover.

Thanks for hanging in there with me!